By Brianne R. Fitzgerald RN, MPH

     It takes practice to make good decisions, and there are guides to help as you learn how to make a decision. First of all one must identify the dilemma? What exactly is the problem? Look at the problem from all angles and keep thinking about the problem making sure not to mistake the problem’s symptom with the problem. For example having no money may not be the problem, poor spending habits may be the problem. What do you have to do to change this situation? What are your goals? Put them in measurable and quantifiable terms. I want to save $100.00 during the next 4 weeks for a new bike. Keep re-evaluating the situation. Your goals may change. For example you make a decision to remain loyal to your friend no matter what; his parents are losers according to your friend, and he has a million reasons to back this up. Over time you may gather more information that will show you that your friend’s assessment of his parents is not exactly true. He may be part of the family problem too. Consider alternative solutions. Be open, don’t judge, listen to both sides of an issue and write down your ideas. Back to the friend with the “bad parents”, things are rarely so black and white or absolute. Talk with your friend, brainstorm ways for him to communicate better with his parents or to argue less with them. It doesn’t have to be perfect. Think ahead. Remember the consequences of one action often have a ripple effect and your action may affect others whom you have not even thought about.

     There is an art and a science to decision making. Both intuition (the ability to know or feel something without using logic) and analytical skills (using logic to examine and measure a problem) are useful tools. The old adage that “two heads are better than one” can be either a positive or a negative power. Learn to identify the strength and the weakness of the group/peer voice.

Many teens when asked how you make a decision report back, “it just seemed to happen.” Is it possible that teens don’t think at all? This writer believes that teens do make decisions/choices all the time, but they think less of what goes into the process that gets them to the outcome/ effect of the decisions that they make. Parents may ask, “Why did you miss curfew?” The teen may look at their parent with that look and say, “huh, I just didn’t think it was that late.” They seem not to recognize that there was a thought process involved. They wanted to stay out and they knew that there would be trouble, but that goes with the territory of being a teen. The process of decision making becomes more noticeable to the individual once he/she takes responsibility for them and begins to think for themselves. When one does their homework early, or does the extra credit question they are probably aware of how their actions/decisions affect their life. They are thinking ahead. The flip side is not doing your homework and taking the heat for that too. The teen knows what to expect by not doing something too. It is easier for the teen to blame the parent/teacher for something he/she did not do than to take responsibility for something they did do. Teenagers are developing and they are for all practical purposes immature adults, therefore their decision making skills are also a work in process; they are developing and immature.

     We learn to make decisions by making decisions, by making choices, by being given options and acting on these options, by watching others make decisions and observing the consequences of decisions made. We learn to make decisions when we are afforded the opportunity to make a choice and then supported and listened to throughout the process of decision making onto the consequences of the choice. Healthy adult modeling of decision making and staying out of the teen’s process as they begin to practice decision making can also help.

     Kitchen table talk is one of the best learning laboratories, and just the place to share, encourage and critique one another in a safe, loving and semi-protective environment. It gives all the family members, parents included opportunities to try out new behaviors. This is a good place to begin to practice decision making skills. So often teenagers must, and with good reason, submit to a higher authority. Parents, teachers, bosses and coaches tell teens what to do, when to do it and often times how to do it. There is little room to make decisions. When teens are always told what to do the outcome is less the responsibility of the teen than the parent or teacher. When an adult takes the responsibility of “helping" the teen to achieve the outcome there is little incentive for the teen to be challenged to succeed for him or herself.

     It is from the kitchen table that developing young people can begin to learn how to make little decisions in an atmosphere of love and support that may minimize the chances for a bad outcome, and there is nothing like success to breed success. The concept of the parent lays out an invisible net beneath their child so that when the child trips up (and they do trip up) this invisible net will catch them and prevent them from sustaining more serious damage. The very act of talking with our kids, listening to their opinions, ideas, and possible solutions to their problems demonstrates a parent’s respect for their child and their ability to begin to make their own decisions. Ideally, parents are not arbitrary and unilateral. Parents can become listeners and guides as children grow up. It is hard no to negate or suspend their decision making process (when “we” see it as wrong). Children learning the consequences of early and less serious decisions will remain the responsibility of the young person who made the decision. Hopefully the invisible net will protect and the teen will have learned a lesson in decision making for him/herself.

     Try no to be short with your children. Demeaning them by saying something like, “just use your head,” diminishes their struggle to succeed. It takes time and lots of practice to learn to make healthy decisions. After all there are still many times when I make a decision that I regret. Perhaps sharing some of our own bad experiences can help our children. Bfitz38@msn.com.